How not being okay with being rubbish kept me from creating

and how I'm slowly finding my way back

Last year was a strange year. It felt like a nothing year, a year that slipped through my fingers and was wasted. It wasn’t of course, but at the time it did feel like it. I started the year full of ambition, made lists and lists of what I wanted to accomplish and how, but instead of doing these things, I got sick of the plateau I was experiencing in my creative practice. I was making lots of rubbish drawings and I wasn’t okay with that. In fact, I took those rubbish drawings personally and figured, subconsciously, that if my art is rubbish, then I must be rubbish. When an opportunity came around to work as a graphic designer, I jumped on it, letting my creative practice slide.

Skip to the end of the year. I was feeling miserable because I wasn’t creating, drawing or writing and I felt a bit burned out. Even though I had lovely colleagues and I was learning lots about working in the publishing industry and it paid well, the job didn’t fulfil me. So I left and tried to pick up my practice again. I was ready to get back at it and to slowly work on what I loved, like printmaking and creating characters. Unfortunately, life had other plans and my family and I were shattered by some unimaginable news.

Weeks of anxious hospital visits followed, and lots of tears and panic. But after a while, even the unimaginable eventually evolves in to a new normal, once you get used to the idea and the new routines you find yourself in.
For now, things are looking up again, there is a new sense of hope and a strong appreciation for the little things and the shared moments that make life so beautiful. Like spotting the first snowdrops of the season, feeling the sun on your face, seeing a blue sky after weeks of greyness. Days that are getting longer and the feeling that spring is right around the corner.

For the second time in my life I feel this mad rush of clarity. Life is so short. I’m trying to hold on to this feeling, as I know how fleeting it can be. Through sadness, life has a way of showing us how wonderful it can be. The veil of the matrix is lifted for an instant and I know that life is about sitting in the sun with a loved one, sharing a meaningful conversation. About crying together, from laughter and from pain. That it’s about community, love and making memories together. Life can be so intensely beautiful in moments of such clarity. At realising how privileged I am and how I can use this privilege for good¹.

Picking up my practice
I see now that my annoyance, and maybe my shame, at feeling mediocre has kept me from doing the work that could potentially make my work great. So I dug up some old wisdoms that, apparently, I have to learn again and again. But lucky for me, the joy of discovery remains the same every time.

1. There are no rubbish drawings
   As I wrote in my blog on observational drawing, drawing in your sketchbook is like thinking with a pencil. It doesn’t matter if they are illegible to someone else, as long as they make sense to you. The goal is to work through the problem by making.

2. Warming up
   Like when baking pancakes, the first sketch or drawing will always be a bit shit. Sometimes they are all a bit shit, and that is okay. Close the sketchbook and put it away until tomorrow, to look at it again with fresh eyes.

3. What is the purpose of the drawing?

   We should not try to know how every finished picture will look, but it is important to be clear why we are making it. Decide before you start whether you are drawing to warm up, or to discover the best use of a new material, to conduct an experiment, make a calculation, illustrate a dream.
   Sarah Simblet, Sketchbook for the artist
   

4. Play

   Sometimes I become such a Hermione Granger that I want to put everything that I’ve learned into a drawing. A balanced colour palette, a great composition, amazing tonal values. Learning and practicing is necessary, but so is play. Set aside 30 minutes to an hour each studio day to experiment and play and see what you discover here. Learning through theory is one thing, but you can’t, unfortunately, learn everything from books. (How annoyed I am at this. How amazing would it be to read about something and then immediately be able to do it? What do you mean now my brain knows this, but I still need to teach it to my hands? Sigh.)

5. Have a set of exercises ready for when you’re stuck

   I sometimes get stuck in deciding what to do and instead of doing the thing, I procrastinate. Often, it’s the beginning that is the hardest. As Stephen King says, the scariest moment is always right before you start. To avoid this I try to have a list with exercises ready to jump into.
   There are many amazing Patreon creators that do illustration live calls that you can join, I’ve listed my favourite artists below.
   

6. Share your art (and what your stand for)

   I haven’t shared much on my Instagram lately because of Meta’s new policies regarding politics, fact checking and AI training, and I hate what it’s doing to the platform. I’m looking for alternatives, so if anyone has any recommendations, please share them in the comments.
   
   My friend Harriet Lowther posted a TikTok of her cat Sean Connery being cute in her studio, with in the background two of my large cat prints. Almost 2 million people (!) have seen it and thanks to Harriet commenting and linking me to people asking about my prints, I’ve had a massive influx of orders in my webshop, from all over the world. This was such a confidence boost to, apparently people do love and want my art! As a self-employed illustrator I realise how important social media is, but I do feel conflicted about it. I can’t expect people to find my work if I don’t promote it, but self promotion feels icky, especially now that social media is being used to call out to so many important causes, like the genocide in Gaza and the displacement of millions people in Sudan and Congo. It feels bizarre to then post about my folklore linocuts and fluffy cats. I want social media to remain a place for connection and community, but I know it also houses racists, charlatans and opportunists who sell your data to the highest bidder and feed your art to AI, even though you’ve opted out several times.
   I’m not sure where my future will be with Meta, but the way I want to go about it for now is by staying true to myself and my values, to keep speaking up to what is important to me. I am not a brand, I am a human being.
   

7. Love the process
   I want to leave you with this quote from Amelia Earhart.

   The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity. The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure, the process is its own reward.

As always, thank you for being here. See you in the next one.
Maris

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Links:
Harriet Lowther
Harriets TikTok with Sean Connery and my prints

My favourite Patreon creators:
Frances Ives
Emma Carlisle
Sarah Dyer
Rebecca Green

What I’m loving lately:
The Lord of the Rings trilogy, narrated by Andy Serkis on Everand
The Moomin Phenomenon podcast with Jennifer Saunders

A beautiful and heartbreaking but necessary read:
Daybreak in Gaza, Stories of Palestinian Lives and Culture

1. By boycotting: Ethical Consumer and BDS Movement
Donating: Doctors without borders,
Learning: Rescue.org Sudan, Gaza, Ukraine and Congo